I’ve had a lot of time to think these past couple of months…perhaps too much time to think. Sometimes my thoughts are positive ones, and I become filled with enthusiasm and excitement for the future. Other times my thoughts make it hard to get out of bed in the morning. I think we all struggle with this from time to time.
Lately my thoughts have been consumed with the idea of attachment, and why we as people are so attached to our titles, successes, and so on. I've struggled with this on a very intense level lately, and I think it boils down to 1) caring what other people think, 2) ego, and 3) sense of self-worth. Of course we want to be defined by our successes and titles. We worked hard for them. We earned them.
And… what if all of that went away? What if you were no longer able to define yourself by your job title, college degree, awards won, etc?
In yoga training I learned that non-attachment to these things leads to ultimate enlightenment, so no wonder it’s difficult. Nothing worth having is ever easy I suppose.
Lately when someone asks me what I’ve been up to or what I do for a living it makes me want to crawl in a hole and never come out. “Hi, I’m Tori. Jobless. Figuring out my next step. Spending most of my days at home trying not to have a panic attack about what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. But really...um, I’m great. Thanks.”
I think what bothers me the most about this scenario is that these people are genuinely interested in what I’m doing, and all I can worry about is making my life seem like it’s a certain way so that they’ll think highly of me. And, why do I care so much about what they think? Also, why do I assume they’ll judge me if I do tell them?
People are interesting creatures. I can tell myself I should think one way, even preach it, but then I allow myself to feel differently. This is completely human, and I also think there’s a better way I could be spending my time than worrying what other people think/beating myself up about not having it all figured out right now.
Perfection is a prison. I have those words tattooed on my arm so that I’m forced to look at it every day and be self-aware of the thoughts I allow into my head. There are days when it’s really difficult, and I get angry at myself for having this permanent reminder on my arm…and then there are days when I look down and smile with gratitude.
And as long as the days I can smile with gratitude outnumber the days when I get angry, I’d say I’m doing just fine.
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